Life is so fast-paced. Some days I don't know which way is up. Last Friday was one of those days. Mom was keeping Avalon for me so I needed to pick up some baby formula. With the sun fresh and new for the day, I drove to The Wholesale Club. I walked in and started towards the back of the store. I rounded the corner at the very back where it's quiet and empty, looking for baby supplies in their "same old place". The truth is, I hadn't been there in years. But somewhere, in the recesses of my mind, I still knew where to go.
As I arrived in that section I looked at the shelf. There it was, toilet paper. So unassuming on the shelf in its 50 roll box. I instinctually looked over to the left where the diapers used to be. They were gone, but my memory wasn't. I stood there and stared at that spot. Instantly, I felt it. The cold empty space. Like a pocket of air that's been buried underground, covered with some grass and dirt until one day there is a tiny shift and the whole thing caves in. The hole, that thing that caved in, was my chest. The crushing weight of loss was back. My feeble attempts to fix it had been demolished and I was left, once again, with rubble.
My mind was filled with memories of jokes and shopping. Poking fun at the excess toilet paper you'd buy, hugging you around your big belly and pressing my head against your chest as I thanked you for buying diapers and taking care of me. My buddy, my best friend, my dad. It's funny how in an instant we are reminded how different our life is and how different a person we are. I sometimes wonder if anyone will ever find out that in August 2005 I began to disappear. A stranger, a different Amanda, had infiltrated.
There is a Christian song that says "I don't want to go through the motions". And I don't. But some days, including last Friday, I'm reminded that I am going through the motions. If I didn't go through the motions I'd still be sitting there. There in the post-surgery waiting room that was spinning just as the air was sucked out of it. There in that hospital room filled with darkness and desperation. There... in that bedroom, holding your hand before we said goodbye. I have to go through the motions or I'd still be in that Wholesale Club, staring at the toilet paper and wishing you were there.
Dear Brad / Nathan
Well it has been three years since you passed Brad and I still don't think I am ready to do this. I don't know how Pam and the girls do it, you would be proud of them. I have put it off and put it off, there is no end to the excuses that I could offer for not doing it, none of them are any good and I guess I am realizing that now. I am not even really sure what to write, what is correct or proper in this sort of forum. I suppose I will just type you a letter and see where that takes us. First let me say "thank you" to you. Thank you. Thank you for everything, for all of the ways that you offered your love, your humor, and your wisdom to me during the time I got to know you. The time I got to know you simply was not enough time to know a person, especially a man like you, so full of love for God, your family, and those that they loved. I never was able to express these things to you while you were here, and I deeply regret that to this day. You are missed by all of us each and every day, and it occurred to me that no man could want for a better testament to what their life meant to those that he touched, than to be missed the way that you are missed.
You always seemed to know what to say to me or what to do to make me understand what I needed to know. I wish that I had paid more attention while I had the chance, a lifetime of lessons learned it seemed. Looking back I think the most remarkable thing was that you were always willing to share those lessons in the hopes that some of them would get through to me, sometimes whether I asked or not! They say that hindsight is 20/20 and it appears that "they" were right again, should have listened a little closer. I really miss that wisdom more and more as your beautiful grandchildren continue to grow, and fatherhood continues to humble me to the point of just shaking my head and wondering how other fathers do this. The more I learn it seems that I just learn that there is something else I don't know. I know you can see them all from heaven and there is nothing I can tell you about them that you don't know, but your grandchildren are so absolutely beautiful and wonderful. They continue to amaze me with every single day that goes on.
Aspen Sue turned three this month and is simply a princess. She is so remarkably sweet and full of personality. She is really loving barbies, strawberry shortcake, and the princesses of the Disney movies. She is potty training now and making us all so proud of her as she continues to "make a potty". I wish you could have met her, held her, rocked her to sleep, and got to watch her face as she opened her presents with such genuine joy and excitement. She is really looking forward to Christmas this year, and that is exciting. She loves to stay up a little late after her borthers and sister go to bed for some cuddle time. She is quite the dancer and loves the music, loves to "play" piano - I am sure she will learn to play the piano from her mother at some point.
Gage Bradley is still not talking, but he is trying really hard to find his voice. I can get him to make some sounds that sound an awful lot like the words I am asking him to say. He says "ha" when I say "hi" to him, and he says "da" to me when I ask him to say "dad". I can see in his eyes that he understands, and he gets a little smile on his face when we have our little "talk" sessions. Pam reminded me very recently to keep the faith about his little voice, nobody ever thought Chance would talk either but God gave him his voice and we know he will give Gage his voice too. Pam inspires me to trust God with these things, she continues to inspire me despite the fact that I don't get to see her all that much anymore. You would be amazed at just how smart Gage is, I know how much he surprises me each and every time I see him. Melody says that he reminds her of me when she watches him solve problems, but I think he is probably a better problem solver than me already. He thinks it is just hilarious to distract us so that he can get what he really wants while we are dealing with the distraction!
Your special buddy Chance Andrew misses you so much, he says hello every night when he says his bedtime prayers. He has changed so much over the last three years and he is making more progress all of the time. He has one from complete silence to a complete lack of silence, I kid you not, I don't know when he has the time to breathe! He is starting to read a few words now and loves to read books with everybody. He enjoys school but is not always so happy to go to school in the morning, which seems very normal for a seven-year old to me. He still loves animals and anything that has to do with animals, I am floored by his wealth of knowledge about different animals and all of the things he knows about all of those different animals. He is so smart and he has such a good memory. He woke me up just yesterday so excited about the "snow that came down from heaven while we were sleeping, right dad?" He loves tuna fish by the way, that just seems strange to me for some reason.
Miss Jade, oh where do I start with Miss Jade? She is eleven now, yeah eleven-years old already! I feel so old around her, yet so young at the same time. Hard to explain, but she isn't too old for dad yet and that is something to be thankful for – don’t wanna lose that. She is beautiful and smart and is teaching me all sorts of things about life, patience, and understanding. She recently shared the Sound of Music with me over the weekend. She has inherited that love for musicals that you passed on to her mother. I figured I would watch a little until she fell asleep and then turn it off - she was asleep by intermission and I stayed up and watched the rest by myself, she wasn't surprised the next morning either.
I’ve been missing Brad a lot more lately. Sometimes it’s frustrating and sometimes I’m glad. It can be frustrating because this “extra” missing can add a layer of heaviness. Sometimes it kind of feels like it does when I’m wearing a long sleeve sweater in a car where someone has turned the heat too high for my comfort. Everyone else in the car may be cold and need the extra heat so I can’t reasonably ask for the heat to be turned back down. I can’t undress and toss the sweater aside either as sitting in a car full of people without your top is generally frowned upon. So--no way of escape; this can equal frustration! There are times when missing someone is frustrating.
“On the other hand” -- ok girls; do your Dad proud and shout out what movie that little line comes from -- additional thoughts and longings are somehow comforting. I feel good, there is no other word for it really, knowing that memories of Brad are as close and real to me right now as they were three years ago. For example (those that knew Brad will smile here), I’m listening to John Denver singing “our” songs while I type and it is good to feel and see Brad in my mind as I hear these songs. It makes me glad that I can draw forth these images so clearly.
I looked in the good old Webster’s dictionary (I love dictionaries) to see how Mr. Webster would define missing. My eyes fell to this: missing-to be absent or lost. Yes, that’s it! Brad is absent from us as we celebrate and survive life. His earthly being is indeed lost to us as we gather together. Truly, he is missing. His physical absence makes tangible the meaning of missing, and it makes our memories all the more important to us.
We gather together to ask the Lord’s blessing; He chastens and hastens His will to make known. The wicked oppressing now cease from distressing. Sing praises to His Name; He forgets not His own. Beside us to guide us, our God with us joining, Ordaining, maintaining His kingdom divine; So from the beginning the fight we were winning; Thou, Lord, were at our side, all glory be Thine! We all do extol Thee, Thou Leader triumphant, And pray that Thou still our Defender will be. Let Thy congregation escape tribulation; Thy Name be ever praised! O Lord, make us free! http://www.cyberhymnal.org/htm/w/e/wegattog.htm
Happy Thanksgiving and to each of you who have the frustration and gladness of deep memories for someone who is missing may the Lord of Life and Death be with you extra close this day. Let us be thankful for our memories.
Birth Day and Death Day and New Life / Pam (Brad's wife )Read >>
Birth Day and Death Day and New Life / Pam (Brad's wife )
If you knew Brad very well, then you know that his birth date and death date are but one week apart, and you know too that we are at that time of year now-October 6th and 12th.
Looking at the closeness of the two dates and what they represent—life and death, I guess there is the potential for a dilemma. In fact, our youngest daughter sweetly and innocently asked me if this year we could please celebrate her Dad’s life on his birthday rather than putting the focus so strongly on the day that he died. I told her no.
This need I have to place the focus on the day that Brad died rather than on his birthday is more than a need to feel things deeply. It’s more than the fact that his last birthday is etched in my mind, inextricably linked with the days before and after leading up to that warm, fall day of his death in 2005. It’s more than some worldly effort to create a once a year Mecca centered on Brad.
The day of Brad’s death was the day that everything he was to me had to move to that earthly place called memory. That alone makes it like no other day. Even more though, the day of Brad’s death was also the complete and final culmination of the earthly life we always celebrated with him on his birthday. The day of his death was the day all of Brad’s deepest longings and greatest needs were totally fulfilled in Jesus. To celebrate the entirety of his life, to celebrate what I know Brad would say was the very best part—leaving to meet Jesus, my mind and heart find the most comfort remembering him “extra” on the 12th.
How do I separate Brad’s life from his death? I can not, and I do not try.
Praying for Brad's Girls Today / Linda Born (Cousin-in-law)Read >>
Praying for Brad's Girls Today / Linda Born (Cousin-in-law)
Pam, Melody, and Amanda,
I wanted you to know that I've visited Brad's memorial site today, have read your tributes to him, have shared your grief and your love and your memories. I'm remembering Brad with you today and praying for each of you.
We live in a pretty “instant” world now thanks to scientific advances and related technology. We are able to get, buy and share just about anything faster than ever before. It really is amazing, and no doubt, what we now experience will pale in comparison to the technology of the future. However, there are two sides to everything as the saying goes. The instantaneousness our technological world provides certainly seems no exception to the concept of yin and yang, cold and hot, negative and positive.
I guess this is on my mind because of my computer and my grief process. You may be wondering how the two are related. Well, my computer crashed back in early September/07. Life being what it usually is I was unable to find an intersection of time where both technology and privacy connected long enough for me to update Brad’s memory web site. Funny thing is that this really bothered me.
An internal pressure, starting out small, seemed to swell as each month passed and I’d made no entry to this web site. Somehow, this positive tool created from technology became a negative mental task-master. I’m not sure why. I suppose it has more to do with my own personality than anything else.
The interesting thing is that during all those months of time passing without me being able to use my computer to update the web site; not one day went by that I did not in some way think of Brad, “talk” to him, share a memory of Brad with someone else or cry for him. Not one day.
So now, here I am, over 6 months from the last time I was able to sit quietly in my own home in front of my computer (nice new laptop), using technology’s gift to instantaneously share my thoughts with whoever chooses to read them from wherever they may live.
Perhaps because I have been unable to go instantly to this web site to record my journey I am more profoundly aware of the passing of time. There is a yin and yang, cold and hot, negative and positive to this awareness. Sitting here now typing away, I can clearly see and feel that I am much better than I was 6 months ago. I am more me again. I function more fully and feel things besides pain more deeply. I am interested in other people like I used to be. These are such positives, and I hope anyone who is “new” in their journey of grief will draw warmth and encouragement and hope from my words.
I am also very aware of the gaping hole in my heart. It is interesting to me that I can look so clearly now at that hole. The edges are cleaner, less gory. However, the hole is obviously there and not going away. Sorry to say, but as I see it (well really as I FEEL it) this is the cold, negative side of grief. I don’t think any flowery words of wisdom instantaneously shared from any source will change my opinion on this. I know my heart has lots of room and will hold more wonderful things as life goes on, but that hole there is Brad-shaped and memories alone do not fill it up. Many things in life are “instant,” but grief isn’t one of them. Grief and all its pieces and parts can be helped along by what technology provides us, but only time and God can heal. Only time and God make having a hole in your heart something you can live with for the rest of your life.
It feels like fall daddy... / Melody Milbrandt (Oldest daughter )Read >>
It feels like fall daddy... / Melody Milbrandt (Oldest daughter )
It's about mid September and sometime between this afternoon and this evening - fall came. Well, fall-like temperatures and breezes anyway. I opened up my door and a big gust blew a cyclone of leaves past me and all of a sudden my heart clutched in my chest. It feels like fall daddy and I miss you so. In a split second, I saw you, mom, me, and Manda walking around Missouri Town with fresh-pressed apple cider and kettle corn. Then, we were driving past trees in a kaleidoscope of brilliant fall colors on our way to Weston (not forgetting to stop and get mom's favorite homemade fudge). Next, came picking out our "Runyon family"pumpkins, indian corn, straw bales, corn stalks, and mums. Cowboys games, Chiefs games, candy corn. All these pictures played on the movie screen of my mind the instant that "fall breeze" blew. Praise God your are with our Jesus, now in perfect eternal communion with Him. Thankyou for bringing Him with us through all the seasons of our lives. I love you.
Last year on the date of our wedding anniversary, my first one without Brad beside me, I was actually kneeling at the spot where the altar had been at the church in Texas where we were married. Afterwards, I drove around to all our old Texas haunts and literally revisited the sites that saw us as young lovers beginning our lives together. I drove to where I worked when Brad would show-up with flowers and lunch for me and to our favorite Mexican food spot. I passed the house I lived in when we started dating, and went by our first apartment. A few short days later, I sat at a lakeside with Brad's sister, brother and closest friend as we held a private memorial service in honor of that Texas part of Brad that wanted some of his ashes to blow in the Texas breeze. I don't know if I'll ever be able to go to Texas again. Only time will tell on that.
Our wedding anniversary this year was different. As I told a dear friend and my daughter, this year I feel deeply sad. I think I am sadder then last year, but it's better becasue I do not feel that horrible, bone-crushing mental and physical pain that was my constant companion for so long. That beast only shows-up once in a while now. I am blest and very happy to be here now in this year and not still back in last year!
This year as I remember our courtship, engagement, wedding, honeymoon, and the beginning of our life as one, I am so sad. This sadness is framed all around with "our" memories, and therein is the reason for this deep sadness. Our memories are now just my memories. Forever missing from this earth is the one person who shared it all and was witness to my life as no other. It is true what I've heard but never understood before--a part of me is missing.
As I awoke on our wedding anniversary, June 7th, I opened my eyes first to the Lord and then to the day. I allowed myself to sink into the reality of the day like one would sink into a lumpy, bumpy old mattress -- not the most comfortable feeling but yet not completely horrible either. That was when I realized that I was profoundly sad because this reality IS my life now, but yet, I could tell I was not going to be physically and mentally in horrible pain like I was last year on the same date.
I do not know what my future holds for me. I try each day to trust the Lord regarding that. I do know that this part of me that is missing will be missing until I get to heaven. I suppose as more time passes I'll be able to hold my sadness inside me in a private, quiet place even on our wedding anniversary, and it will go mostly unnoticed by those around me. It will not go unnoticed by me.
Brad loved spring. I think it was his favorite season. Spring was a time for opening the windows of the house and letting in the fresh air. It was a time for walks with just a sweater on and sometimes removing that because it was too warm. Springtime brought green grass, budding tress, and decisions about what flowers to start with in the pots by the front porch. It was the time when sweet iced tea (he'd be sure to have lemon for Pam) sounded good again instead of hot chocolate, and plans for the first fishing trip were being mulled over! Spring was when I put away the last of the winter home decor like the snow family, the dark flower arrangements, and the winter evergreens on top of the buffet. Brad loved the "magical appearing" of the pastel eggs, stuffed bunnies and candy dishes filled with Easter chocolate! Most of all Spring brought reflective moments together (especially on Saturday mornings) talking and reading about the amazing love and mercy Jesus showed toward us by giving his life on the cross to save us. We knew we didn't deserve such love. Life goes on as witnessed by the coming of Spring yet again, and I am quiet, reflective and thankful for so many rich blessings, but my heart hurts and I miss Brad very, very much. Springtime will never be the same.
Hearts and Flowers / Pam (Wife) When you remember someone you love who has died, if they were what we commonly call a decent human being, I think at first you tend to remember the positive things about them. I know I've done this in remembering Brad. When I was able to move beyond the painful memories of life with cancer and Brad's last two months on earth, finally able to tap into other memories, the last thing I wanted to do was spend any time or energy remembering anything negative.
However, Brad would never appreciate me "flowering up" his memory because he was all about being truthful. "Hearts and flowers" have their place but only when they are genuine, and Brad was a genuine kind of guy from the moment I first met him. He would also be the first to tell you that his genunieness was a two-edged sword for both of us all of his life.
Sometimes I hated this facet of his personality because it would cause me embarrassment or pain. Sometimes I was amazed and completely impressed that anyone could be so much the same with everyone. Sometimes, I wanted to be just like him in this genunieness, and sometimes I yelled at him because I wanted him to change it for my own comfort.
Many memories have positive and negative portions mixed together becasue that is the stuff of life and of living in a genunie relationship with someone. What a privilege and challenge to share our real selves with those around us as they do the same.
I know now without a doubt that when I got "hearts and flowers" from Brad, whatever else might have been going on, the love he had for me was 100% deep, lasting and totally genunie. When I think about the ups and downs of marriage, the highs and the lows, the aggravations and the pleasures, I can know with absolute certainty that I was loved by a good man. Thank you for this very real knowledge and allthe memories that go with it, Jesus!
I miss you Brad, and I feel somehow smaller in this big world without you. Happy Valentine's Day. Hearts and Flowers!
What's a really good gift? / Pam (Brad's wife )Read >>
What's a really good gift? / Pam (Brad's wife )
I've read in several publications that Christmas is one of the hardest holidays for people dealing with grief and loss. Christmas is no longer a day we celebrate but rather a season that starts on top of the Thanksgiving holiday and continues on till the New Year arrives. I'm not saying that is bad, just stating what I see as fact.
We are unable to gear-up for just "the day" like we mightabirthday or the 4th of July, and as tempting as it sounds, it is pretty hard to go into full out "veg mode" for a whole "holidayseason." Coping becomes a bigger issue not only for the person suffering, but for their friends and family too.
Grief and loss readings, whether it's material from a scholarly book or something from a women's magazine, enlighten us to the fact that because everyone is unique and will therefore deal with "things" differently, we need to allow those in the midst of grief and loss to manage in the way they feel is best for them.
The problem, as I see it, is that most of the time, those in the midst of grief and loss don't really have a good idea how to "manage." We are in pain, and we want the pain to stop. Few of us think about "managing pain." Most of us think about STOPPING pain!
If you stub your toe on that wooden table leg in the kitchen or get a big old splinter in your finger, you are in pain. If someone comes to you at that time and wants to know what you want for Christmas dinner or if you are ready to finish the gift-wrapping project the two of you started, they might not appreciate the response they get from you.
If we multiply that stubbed toe pain or splinter finger pain by about a gazillion, that is the pain people dealing with grief and loss are feeling. How are those people going to be able to make sane decisions about what is the BEST thing for them to do to cope, function and be in some state of composure during the "holiday season?" How can we expect them to have reasoned responses? What happens if you have a whole family in that same state of mind and heart?
In the early years of our marriage, Brad was not so good with the festivities associated with holidays and that was especially true at Christmas time. It took several years for us to discover that he had some serious, buried grief and loss issues regarding his relationship with his father which surfaced most during holidays. Brad didn't want them to surface, and for years, he had no idea what to do with that grief and loss. His idea of the best way to stop the pain was to withdraw, but this was very hard on the rest of us and on him too. If we'd let him "manage" his grief and loss in his own unique way without intervening, I believe our family and our daughters would have suffered greatly.
Now it is years later, and here I am suffering my own still yet mostly unbelievable grief and loss. Brad is gone. I am in pain, and I want the pain to stop. This has nothing to do with my relationship with my Lord, Jesus, anymore than Brad's pain about his Dad did. I have strong faith and lean on Jesus daily, but I still have the pain. I still have to manage, cope, function and find my way with Jesus thru each and every day and night. From the beginning of my journey, I've wanted to withdraw just like Brad wanted to withdraw from his pain, but my daughters, my family, and my dear friends would not let me.
I gave Brad a really good giftevery Christmas season over and over again for many years until he was able to manage his grief and loss, and now I have been the recipient of that same really good gift from Melody and Amanda, Linda, Donna and Jeanie, my family and my co-workers.
This really good gift is the gift of love that says, "We are with you. We will help you make it. We don't know what is best. You don't know what is best, but TOGETHER we will find the way. We will not let you be alone in your pain even though it is hard on us to be with you."
Brad expressed to me in the later years of our married life how much this really good gift blest him and how much he felt the love of that gift reflected something of the love of Jesus to him.
So now, in my life, this day after Christmas, I too say to my children, my family, and my friends, "Thank you for the reallygood gift you all keep giving to me over and over and over again. I am so glad that you are with me in this journey even though it is hard on you too."
Brad was right. This kind of love is Jesus with breath and feet!
What am I thankful for today? / Pam (Brad's wife )Read >>
What am I thankful for today? / Pam (Brad's wife )
This is the traditional day for counting one's blessings. I have a long list and that is, in and of itself, something to be very thankful for because I know people who have a hard time coming up with things for which they will thank the Lord!
Speaking of thanking the Lord, that is something for which I am also thankful. When I count my blessings, I know that I'm going to thank the true giver of those "good and perfect gifts," my Lord and Saviour, Jesus! What a blessings to know He holds my hand and that according to the Bible, He is a husband to the husbandless!
Today, as I prepare to go to our oldest daughter's home for our annual Thanksgiving celebration, I will put the finishing touches on my food contribution by myself, listen to the radio by myself, and load the car by myself. I will make the drive alone, and when I enter her home, the grandchildren will shout greetings to just one grandparent not two.
However, life is to be lived and joy to be savored. I will do this because it is the right thing to do, because the Lord will give me the strength to do so, and because I know it is what Brad would be most proud of me for doing. And--I DO have a long list of blessings to count.
I am so excited to recognize that today my memories of Brad are bringing me warmth and pleasure more than pain and sadness. Perhaps, aside from my salvation, family, health, and freedom this is the greatest blessing of all this year.
I can now find those warm, wonderful memoreis of a man that filled my life for so many years. Thank you, Jesus, for the blessing of having had Brad with me for all those years and for all my memories. Close
Pumpkins!/ Pam (Wife) It's funny the things that can bring the deepest and warmest memories of Brad. You wouldn't think something as simple as pumpkins would light the "memory flame" so brightly or warm the heart so fully on a chilly Halloween night, but pumpkins did it!
We've always had fun in our little family on Halloween. Brad and I prayed a lot when our children were little trying to decide what we should do about this holiday that many were saying was all about devils and "bad stuff." We felt that as long as we kept evil overtones and intent out of our fun it would be ok to dress up and at dusk roam the streets with our children in search of yummy candy! The house was decorated and Halloween supper was full of "gory" food and drink (BBQ meatballs became eyeballs and for that one night, our hot cider was warm blood).
Brad appreciated all these festivities, but his real domain was the pumpkins! It started with a trip to the pumpkin patch for each of us to pick our own pumpkin. No one was to have a pumpkin bigger than Brad's pumpkin. This was Pumpkin Rule Number One! Everyone was to help Pam find her favorite pumpkin--one with a great stem on top. That was Pumpkin Rule Number Two!
The faceless pumpkins adorned the front steps until a couple of days before the BIG night. Then the ritual began as soon as supper was over. Pumpkin Rule Number Three-Brad cuts off the pumpkin tops and starts the "gutting!" UGGGGHHH. Gooey pumpkin guts flying onto the table where we three girls sat to sort out the pumpkin seeds for roasting. Pumpkin Rule Number Four--everyone had to help get the insides of the pumpkins clean. No dirty insides in the Runyon Pumpkin Family!
Once that task was complete, Brad assisted each of his girls in designing their pumpkin plan and making it happen on the front of their pumpkin. Over time we left simple triangle eyes and noses far behind us and moved into the world of "fancy" pumpkin carving. When son-in-laws entered our Pumpkin Family world, the competition became rather fierce! Sometimes, son-in-laws didn't obey the unspokenPumpkin Rule Number Five-never carve a better design on your pumpkin than Brad! Grandchildren brought a renewed sense of fun and excitement to all these Halloween rituals we'd grown to enjoy over our years together.
So it was with tears in my eyes and warmth in my heart that I left my daughter's house this Halloween night full to the brim with "BBQ eyeballs and warm blood", looking back at a regal dispaly of wonderfully carved pumpkins all in row with the very,very, very biggest one sending out in orange glowing light the carved words "TEXAS N R Hearts!" Brad, your kids are keeping your spirit of fun alive and remembering you! Close
ONE YEAR AGO TODAY / Pam Runyon (Wife)
One year ago today I did not know that the date of October 12th would forever change into a special date. I knew there would be some date in my near future that would become "that" date, but on October 11th, 2005, I didn't know it would be the next day.
One year ago today I was taking care of you. We had developed a routine. We were back to being alone in the house. You liked it that way. You would ask who was present, and when I'd say "You and me, baby, just you and me," you'd nod your head, move your hands from you to me, and smile that little "this is good" smile. I will hold that memory close to me always. You and me, baby.
One year ago today, I didn't know what so many other wives around this world already knew. I didn't know the way life without you would feel. I didn't know that I could be so sad. I didn't really know what trusting Jesus, simply trusting, was going to mean.
One year ago today I did not know that one year later I would be remembering all these things as if they just happened. They feel so fresh, so real right now on October 11th, 2006.
I did not know one year ago today that I would learn how to hold so much inside my heart without just breaking apart. I did not know that I would learn how to go on with life just as you would have wanted me to and just as the Lord wants me to.
But now, I know all these things. I am going on Brad, but you are right here with me in my heart, and yes, I'm leaning on Jesus all the way, baby. Close
Brad's fun loving nature. / Mark Aldriedge (Good friend since high school )Read >>
Brad's fun loving nature. / Mark Aldriedge (Good friend since high school )
Since meeting Brad at Arlington High School we became fast friends. One of the reasons was our similar sense of humor. Brad was always trying to make me or anyone laugh, and I'd do my best to do the same to him. We did all the fun and goofy things high schoolers do like, making home movies, swimming, skiiing with girlfriends (later she/Pam became his wife) and midnight games of tennis. Brad had a competitive spirit in him, and I most remember that in tennis. If he could get to the net, and slam that ball back at your feet to score, he would swagger (those closest to him know what I mean about swagger) back to the base line in gloating fashion. He cracked me up! There was no other closer three-some in high school than Brad, Robin & me... Mark. It was good to see Brad even at the end of his health, because you could still hear in him the desire to be humorous, and competitive about life and his circumstances. Same ol' Brad. These are the things I love about him and will cherish in my fond memories of Brad. May you, his family, remember similar fond memories of Brad too as time goes by. May God bless Pam & family and all of us. Remembering, Mark Aldriedge / friend & minister
"I go to prepare a place for you, for where I am there you may be also." - Jesus Close
To my life long friend... / Joanne Ulatowski Read >>
To my life long friend... / Joanne Ulatowski
I was very lucky to have met Brad twice. Once in 1978, our visit to Missouri and in 1983, our high school reunion. But, through you, Pam, I have known him a lifetime. Through you I have learned what a loving husband, father and granddad he was. Just reading the tributes to Brad certainly is a testimony of how he touched so many lives.
Brad no longer is with us in body, but yet his beautiful spirit lives on through you, his children and his grandbabies. I know your hearts are aching at this time. Always know how much you and your family are thought of and remembered in our prayers.
For my dear friend and cousin, Pam / Linda Born (cousin-in-law)Read >>
For my dear friend and cousin, Pam / Linda Born (cousin-in-law)
What a lovely tribute to Brad you've put together to remember his birthday. You have honored him and kept him in our hearts and our memories. You were a blessing to him and you are now blessing his memory. Much love and many prayers for you in the days ahead. Love in Christ, Cousin Linda
Brad's birthday is almost here. I close my eyes and see him opening packages and eating cake--chocolate with fluffy white frosting--two big pieces and a smile! He loved presents and had learned to love the celebrations of life. As long as he didn't know what things cost, he was happy to keep on opening those gifts! Later, after cancer, it was chocolate chip cookies for birthdays. Easier to eat without any problems and always a big favorite for as long as we'd been together. Happy Birthday? Yes, it still is, becaue I am so happy and thankful that he was born and that he was mine to love. Always, Pam
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